My heart and my spirit have felt so quiet lately. No words seem adequate for anything. Sometimes it's an overabundance of joy that leaves me speechless. Other times it's an overwhelming sadness. Even contentment and comfort have kept me in a quiet place.
The longer my physical disabilities continue, the more quiet I have become. I'm improving, overall, but the improvements are incredibly slow and sometimes wane from better to worse. If I've learned anything through this, it's that physical disabilities can truly weigh heavily on a person's life and spill over onto their emotional and spiritual health. Perhaps that's an obvious statement, but you truly feel the depths of it when you're dealing with chronic and life-altering issues.
I've also learned that I can't control everything myself, no matter how hard I try (and, oh, I've tried). I had more words when I truly thought that I could control my own healing process by myself. I've acquired many books-worth of information through reading and research and I wanted to share all of that information with others when I thought that I was the one in control. But, truth be told, after many, many months I don't know what's helping or what's not. I've had to adjust and readjust my course so many countless times. I've experimented for days, weeks, months at a time and still I have no answers. I'm tired of guessing and taking stabs (even "educated" stabs) in the dark. I'm not giving up, but I'm done believing that I'm the one that has hold of the reins. I am certainly not in control of any of this. My spirit feels quiet and humbled.
I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word.
Psalm 119:25
