Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I've felt quiet.

My heart and my spirit have felt so quiet lately.  No words seem adequate for anything.  Sometimes it's an overabundance of joy that leaves me speechless.  Other times it's an overwhelming sadness.  Even contentment and comfort have kept me in a quiet place.

The longer my physical disabilities continue, the more quiet I have become.  I'm improving, overall, but the improvements are incredibly slow and sometimes wane from better to worse.  If I've learned anything through this, it's that physical disabilities can truly weigh heavily on a person's life and spill over onto their emotional and spiritual health.  Perhaps that's an obvious statement, but you truly feel the depths of it when you're dealing with chronic and life-altering issues.

I've also learned that I can't control everything myself, no matter how hard I try (and, oh, I've tried).  I had more words when I truly thought that I could control my own healing process by myself.  I've acquired many books-worth of information through reading and research and I wanted to share all of that information with others when I thought that I was the one in control.  But, truth be told, after many, many months I don't know what's helping or what's not.  I've had to adjust and readjust my course so many countless times.  I've experimented for days, weeks, months at a time and still I have no answers.  I'm tired of guessing and taking stabs (even "educated" stabs) in the dark.  I'm not giving up, but I'm done believing that I'm the one that has hold of the reins. I am certainly not in control of any of this.  My spirit feels quiet and humbled.

I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word.  
Psalm 119:25

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Reflections on five years of marriage.

This Saturday will mark the fifth year of our marriage.  Words cannot express the feelings that I have about this anniversary.  On one hand, I can barely believe that we've been married this long (time seems to be passing so quickly).  On the other hand, it feels like we've been together for so much longer (it's only been five years?!).

I feel so blessed to have had Christopher by my side as my partner and my best friend.  We have grown both together and individually in many ways and I pray that we will continue to grow into the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be.  I pray that we can continue to work together, bringing each other up and loving each other as wholly as we can.

The past three years have been a very difficult road for me, physically, and these difficulties have, of course, effected our marriage in many, many ways.  At times, these challenges have taken a toll on our relationship, but more often than not, the difficulties have only brought us closer together.  I'm truly thankful for the love and patience that Christopher has displayed during these trying times.  I can only imagine what it's like to have a wife who is barely able to handle small, everyday tasks most of the time.  A wife who can't plan ahead and has to "wait and see how she's feeling that day."  A wife that doesn't look like herself because her face is red, puffy and rashy most of the time.  A wife who shudders at the smallest, unexpected touch because her nerves are so extremely hypersensitive.  Yet he remains by my side and demonstrates so much love towards me as he remains true to the vows of "in sickness and in health."

I am blessed beyond measure.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Appreciating the small things.

Just taking a moment from today to reflect on how thankful I am for some little things in life.  More often than not, it's those still, small moments that bring the most joy.  Despite my ongoing physical discomforts, I feel like my life is full of so many good things.  I don't have the words to express my feelings but the feelings themselves are abundant.

A basket full of root vegetables, squash & plantains...

I really loved how our neighbors dead tree became surrounded by flowers.... unexpected and lovely!

Getting lost in the process of hanging art & redesigning/relocating furniture at the office.

Small but good things.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Missing our kitties.

While I'm healing from my skin condition, our cats Random & Sneaker have been "on vacation" in Pittsburgh.  I'm missing them so much that I'm snapping photos of every other cat that I see.

Here's a few...

I just want to cuddle up with all of them :) .... but I really want OUR kitties back at home.  I miss their predictable/unpredictable mannerisms.  I miss their sweet personalities, their playful spirits, their innocent eyes.  I miss our babes.