I've felt quiet.

My heart and my spirit have felt so quiet lately.  No words seem adequate for anything.  Sometimes it's an overabundance of joy that leaves me speechless.  Other times it's an overwhelming sadness.  Even contentment and comfort have kept me in a quiet place.

The longer my physical disabilities continue, the more quiet I have become.  I'm improving, overall, but the improvements are incredibly slow and sometimes wane from better to worse.  If I've learned anything through this, it's that physical disabilities can truly weigh heavily on a person's life and spill over onto their emotional and spiritual health.  Perhaps that's an obvious statement, but you truly feel the depths of it when you're dealing with chronic and life-altering issues.

I've also learned that I can't control everything myself, no matter how hard I try (and, oh, I've tried).  I had more words when I truly thought that I could control my own healing process by myself.  I've acquired many books-worth of information through reading and research and I wanted to share all of that information with others when I thought that I was the one in control.  But, truth be told, after many, many months I don't know what's helping or what's not.  I've had to adjust and readjust my course so many countless times.  I've experimented for days, weeks, months at a time and still I have no answers.  I'm tired of guessing and taking stabs (even "educated" stabs) in the dark.  I'm not giving up, but I'm done believing that I'm the one that has hold of the reins. I am certainly not in control of any of this.  My spirit feels quiet and humbled.

I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word.  

Psalm 119:25

Asking for prayer.

I'm not the most active blogger.  I don't even know how many people follow my blog on a regular basis, especially with the sparse and irregular posts.  Sometimes weeks pass between one post and the next and occasionally months.  Perhaps there's a small handful of you out there?

Regardless, if you do follow this blog, could I ask for your prayer (if you're a person who prays)?

A few days ago, I started a new blog to begin documenting the "health issues" which I've been going through for the past few years.  I just simply need an outlet to vent about the journey that I've been on.  In the past, I've mentioned a little bit about my problems on this very blog right here but I haven't gone into too much detail about it and certainly haven't "journaled" about it here.  The reason being: I like posting "pretty things" here.  I didn't want to turn this "pretty" blog into something different.

So, on the good days, perhaps I'll continue to post here when I can (and perhaps, it will become my one & only blog again someday once I'm healed).

If you care to follow my "other" journey (which I'll probably be updating very regularly), you can do so here: http://itchyskinjourney.blogspot.com

But, really, no pressure to follow.  It's not the most pleasant of topics.  In all honesty, I probably wouldn't follow it (at least regularly) if I didn't have reason to.  But, at the very least, could you say a quick prayer for me right now, wherever you are?  Could you pray that I make it through this with my faith intact?  That maybe, just maybe, my healing can come sooner rather than later?

I hate to sound so dramatic, but after two years of dealing with this, I just have to tell things how they are.

Thanks so much, everyone.

Love,
Stace

New Year, New Home!

What a whirlwind this holiday season has been for us.  

After going home for Thanksgiving, we came back home to Philly and threw up our Christmas decorations all over the apartment.  It gave our home the feeling of warmth and vibrancy for the coming holidays.  Although we'd be spending the days surrounding Christmas in Pittsburgh, our home felt so cozy during the month of December.

A few days after immersing ourselves into the Christmas spirit, we just happened across a listing for a house-for-rent.  So we decided to have a look (we've been looking at apartments/houses for well over a year now).  We went to view the house without too much hope (our experiences during this time were making us feel like we would probably never be able to move out of our one-bedroom apartment).

Well.  Turns out we LOVED the house.  And.... it was within our price range (!).  AND.... only 3 blocks away from our current apartment!  (IN OUR BEAUTIFUL NEIGHBORHOOD!)

Thankfully, we were one of the first people to view the house... so we jumped on filling out the required applications and everything just.... worked out!  Once we were approved (AHHHH! AFTER ALL THIS TIME, WE'RE MOVING?!  WHAT?!), that meant that we had to take care of things on our end, such as finding someone to take over the lease on our one-bedroom. 

It was quite an undertaking for us, but somehow we've made it through!  We packed up, we advertised/showed our apartment, FOUND A NEW TENANT, wrote up a contract for new tenants to sublease from us, and so on.... and so on.....  

We officially moved into our new house just a few days ago!  It's BEAUTIFUL (beyond my wildest expectations).  And IT'S HUGE compared to our old place.

I just can't even wrap my head around how everything has fallen into place surrounding this whole process.  It's hard to believe that we actually live here now!  I am so thankful! 

Here's a few random pictures of the move-in process.  My Mom & Dad helped me paint the entire first floor before we even started moving our stuff in (a 13-hour process all in one day!!!).  Christopher's brother Jeremy helped with moving all of our furniture, as did Kelly's hubby David (they were amazing!).  Kelly (who just gave birth 3 weeks ago) helped with unpacking the kitchen.  Christopher's folks helped us by paying for the piano movers.  Such an amazing amount of help and love from our family and friends!

Love my silly Momma!

Randomly placed furniture....

Not-quite-3-year-old Lydia decorated the fridge with our magnets (notice how low on the fridge they are).  I love it.  They're still exactly where she put them.  :)

The piano *just fits* where we wanted it?!

Encountering a few small issues (like the box spring not fitting up the stairwell and the legs of the blue cabinet won't quite fit over the vents).... but these things can be resolved!

I can't wait to post more updates on the house as we get settled.

What a whirlwind.

Such a major blessing.

just a photo.

This photo was taken way back in the summer.  With the current weather the way it is, it seems like the summer existed in another world.  A bright, sizzling world where everything felt like it was melting.

This wall is just one of those walls that I happen to walk by nearly everyday.  It's just a normal wall.  I'd never paid much attention to it, really, until one day, I turned my head a little bit to the left and there he was, this little angel guy looking back at me.  A small, grumpy little angel guy drawn in white.

He said something to me that day.  Well, he really didn't "say" anything at all.  He just struck me as something special, that's all.  A symbol of humanity, perhaps?  I can't really say what made him seem so noteworthy at the time.

The following afternoon when I walked by on my way to the trolley,  I was expecting to look over and see him once again.  I was even looking forward to exchanging hellos with this new little friend that I had made.  But, sadly, he wasn't there anymore.  Sometime between one day & the next, someone had covered him with a red block of fresh paint.  He was hidden.  Permanently.

Who knows how long he had been there painted on that wall.  But I just happened to meet him on his last daylight appearance.  His final day.  Seems significant.  Who knows, I might be the last person on earth who has any recollection of him.

Nowadays, when I remember, I'll sometimes look over at that wall still expecting to see him in all his glory, just like I saw him that one day.  I know he's still there.  He's just hiding behind .002 inches of red paint.

Silly, I know.  But it's true.

importance.

We are human beings and this is the part of our human nature, that we don't learn the importance of anything until it's snatched from our hands.  
-Malala Yousafzai (2013 Nobel Peace Prize recipient), from her interview with Jon Stewart

Maturity.

Over the past few years, I've experienced a huge shift in my own faith, attitude, and life-perspective.  Perhaps part of it is simply a natural part of growing up.  Or perhaps part of it comes from marriage.  Or from experiencing hardships... and not having any control over certain situations (no matter how hard I've tried).  

The reasons and the timing for such things are surely different for every person, but I feel like I've developed into a completely new "me" over the past two years.  Different from my life before.  More mature, perhaps.

An oak that grew on the bank of a river was uprooted by a severe gale of wind, and thrown across the stream.  It fell among some reeds growing by the water, and said to them, "How is it that you, who are so frail and slender, have managed to weather the storm, whereas I, with all my strength, have been torn up by the roots and hurled into the river?" "You were stubborn," came the reply, "and fought against the storm, which proved stronger than you: but we bow and yield to every breeze, and thus the gale passed harmlessly over our heads."

-from Aesop's Fables

When I was young, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

-1 Corinthians 13:11

walking at sunset.

"Open my heart," I prayed.  

"Help me to feel, see, experience the present.  Help me to be right here, right now."

broken and rebuilt.

Let us continually pray for open eyes and a loving heart.

Nature is a sanctuary.

thankful. and some insta-snaps.

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of posts about thankfulness.  It's been encouraging for me to see these posts, and it's served as a constant reminder to actually put my thankfulness into words, no matter how large or small. It seems like once we allow ourselves to start thinking about just one thing that we can be thankful for in life, we start thinking of many things.  We've been given so many extraordinary things in this life, but it's not because we actually deserve any of it.  Everything we have--even life itself--is a gift.  And, thus, the best thing that we can do is appreciate these things and express that appreciation.

These are just a few Instagram* shots that I've taken in the past month while walking to/from work.  I've been so thankful to be in better health recently.  To be able to walk around outside again.  To be able to walk to work, if I chose to.  To even have a job (or two), in the first place.  To be able to see and experience beautiful things while walking to work.  To capture some of those things with a camera.  To have such a nice camera, in the first place.  To feel like I can express something by taking photos.  To find pleasure in it.   I could keep going on this thankfulness train....

*my Instagram account: staceynicolemcdonald

in due time....

 

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-7

 



 

prayer for healing.

Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved; for you are my praise.

(Jeremiah 17:14)

Heavenly Father, I thank you for the life that you have so graciously given me and for the love that has surrounded me throughout this life.  I stand amazed at your creations and your goodness.  I am grateful for every good thing, big and small.  I am grateful for each hurdle that I've experienced in life because I know that great learning comes from difficult situations.  I am so thankful to know that I am not alone in this time of suffering.  Not only do I have a loving husband, who has taken such wonderful care of me, and family & friends who have reached out to me with such compassion and warmth--but I have a God who also knows suffering firsthand.  I have a God who willingly put himself through hell to save me and everyone who might believe in Him. Truly I am not alone in my suffering.  Truly I can live through the pain and humiliation that are upon me.

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.
(Deuteronomy 7:9)

plans to give you a future.

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

Be still?  It seems like all that I've been able to do is be still.  All I can do is lay on the couch.  Or in the bathtub.  And after a bath, I sit as still as possible next to the shower on the toilet.  Wrapped in a towel.  I just sit there and try not to move.  Because moving hurts.  All that I can do is pray.  All that I can do is hope that this won't last for much longer.  I know that there is learning that can come from this situation and I'm thankful for that.  I'm just really looking forward to the day that this is all behind me.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11

This will not last forever.

learning to be thankful.

Things haven't been easy this summer.


"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty..." 


But God is good.


"...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."


Even in the tough times.



-Philippians 4:12