I've felt quiet.

My heart and my spirit have felt so quiet lately.  No words seem adequate for anything.  Sometimes it's an overabundance of joy that leaves me speechless.  Other times it's an overwhelming sadness.  Even contentment and comfort have kept me in a quiet place.

The longer my physical disabilities continue, the more quiet I have become.  I'm improving, overall, but the improvements are incredibly slow and sometimes wane from better to worse.  If I've learned anything through this, it's that physical disabilities can truly weigh heavily on a person's life and spill over onto their emotional and spiritual health.  Perhaps that's an obvious statement, but you truly feel the depths of it when you're dealing with chronic and life-altering issues.

I've also learned that I can't control everything myself, no matter how hard I try (and, oh, I've tried).  I had more words when I truly thought that I could control my own healing process by myself.  I've acquired many books-worth of information through reading and research and I wanted to share all of that information with others when I thought that I was the one in control.  But, truth be told, after many, many months I don't know what's helping or what's not.  I've had to adjust and readjust my course so many countless times.  I've experimented for days, weeks, months at a time and still I have no answers.  I'm tired of guessing and taking stabs (even "educated" stabs) in the dark.  I'm not giving up, but I'm done believing that I'm the one that has hold of the reins. I am certainly not in control of any of this.  My spirit feels quiet and humbled.

I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word.  

Psalm 119:25

Reflections on five years of marriage.

This Saturday will mark the fifth year of our marriage.  Words cannot express the feelings that I have about this anniversary.  On one hand, I can barely believe that we've been married this long (time seems to be passing so quickly).  On the other hand, it feels like we've been together for so much longer (it's only been five years?!).

I feel so blessed to have had Christopher by my side as my partner and my best friend.  We have grown both together and individually in many ways and I pray that we will continue to grow into the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be.  I pray that we can continue to work together, bringing each other up and loving each other as wholly as we can.

The past three years have been a very difficult road for me, physically, and these difficulties have, of course, effected our marriage in many, many ways.  At times, these challenges have taken a toll on our relationship, but more often than not, the difficulties have only brought us closer together.  I'm truly thankful for the love and patience that Christopher has displayed during these trying times.  I can only imagine what it's like to have a wife who is barely able to handle small, everyday tasks most of the time.  A wife who can't plan ahead and has to "wait and see how she's feeling that day."  A wife that doesn't look like herself because her face is red, puffy and rashy most of the time.  A wife who shudders at the smallest, unexpected touch because her nerves are so extremely hypersensitive.  Yet he remains by my side and demonstrates so much love towards me as he remains true to the vows of "in sickness and in health."

I am blessed beyond measure.

Appreciating the small things.

Just taking a moment from today to reflect on how thankful I am for some little things in life.  More often than not, it's those still, small moments that bring the most joy.  Despite my ongoing physical discomforts, I feel like my life is full of so many good things.  I don't have the words to express my feelings but the feelings themselves are abundant.

A basket full of root vegetables, squash & plantains...

I really loved how our neighbors dead tree became surrounded by flowers.... unexpected and lovely!

Getting lost in the process of hanging art & redesigning/relocating furniture at the office.

Small but good things.

importance.

We are human beings and this is the part of our human nature, that we don't learn the importance of anything until it's snatched from our hands.  
-Malala Yousafzai (2013 Nobel Peace Prize recipient), from her interview with Jon Stewart

Maturity.

Over the past few years, I've experienced a huge shift in my own faith, attitude, and life-perspective.  Perhaps part of it is simply a natural part of growing up.  Or perhaps part of it comes from marriage.  Or from experiencing hardships... and not having any control over certain situations (no matter how hard I've tried).  

The reasons and the timing for such things are surely different for every person, but I feel like I've developed into a completely new "me" over the past two years.  Different from my life before.  More mature, perhaps.

An oak that grew on the bank of a river was uprooted by a severe gale of wind, and thrown across the stream.  It fell among some reeds growing by the water, and said to them, "How is it that you, who are so frail and slender, have managed to weather the storm, whereas I, with all my strength, have been torn up by the roots and hurled into the river?" "You were stubborn," came the reply, "and fought against the storm, which proved stronger than you: but we bow and yield to every breeze, and thus the gale passed harmlessly over our heads."

-from Aesop's Fables

When I was young, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

-1 Corinthians 13:11

Good days.

I haven't posted in a while.  

It's not that I haven't had any thoughts or potentially interesting things to say--I probably did at one point or another.  

But sometimes it just feels better to remain quiet.  

To listen.  To watch.  To learn.

I walk by this window almost everyday on my way to work.  Half the time, it's empty.  The other half, there's this beautiful gray kitty lounging there, taking a nap on the sill.  I've walked by this kitty so many times, but I've never been able to communicate with him (or her) directly.  He's inside.  

I'm outside.

So I just wave sometimes (as if he'll wave back).  Or I give him a little nod of acknowledgement (as if he even cares).  Other times, I just stop and stare to admire his cat-ness for a minute or two before I continue on my way.

Sometimes it just feels better to remain silent.  

To carry things close at heart.  

To let those thoughts and truths stew around for a while before putting them on the table.

New and renewed.

Just sprucing things up a little bit, indoors and out.

Sometimes I think that Fall is my favorite season, but no, it's definitely Spring.  Spring brings new life, new beauty, renewed hope and things to look forward to.

The sentiment is obviously nothing new--it's been said many times before.  I don't have any grand or eloquent words about it.  I'm just experiencing it and enjoying it for myself.

Being outdoors and doing yard work these past two weekends has felt great.  Some new flowers (rieger begonias).  Our normal herbs.  Some fresh flowers (ranunculus) for the dining table.  Feels special.  Makes life feel slow.

goals.

Over the past few weeks I've written down a lot of goals.  It's not my normal tendency to list out my goals, but it's been a tough year and a lot of my unwritten intentions from last year never came to fruition.  It's disappointing to think of some of last year's unaccomplished goals and frustrating to not even remember others.

At this point, I can't be certain about how the year is going to shape up, health-wise and whatnot, but jotting some ideas down on a scrap of paper helped me to feel like I have things to look forward to this year.  Some of my goals are personal.  Some are home-related (we've decided to stay in our apartment for a fifth year, so I'm consoling myself with make-over/upgrade ideas).  The most important goals are related to my piano studio.  There are a lot of things that I would like to accomplish with my business this year, the biggest being that I would like to return to being solely self-employed again, and no longer working an "extra job" for extra income.  I want my business to grow this year.

I'm ready to do the work.  God willing.

thankful. and some insta-snaps.

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of posts about thankfulness.  It's been encouraging for me to see these posts, and it's served as a constant reminder to actually put my thankfulness into words, no matter how large or small. It seems like once we allow ourselves to start thinking about just one thing that we can be thankful for in life, we start thinking of many things.  We've been given so many extraordinary things in this life, but it's not because we actually deserve any of it.  Everything we have--even life itself--is a gift.  And, thus, the best thing that we can do is appreciate these things and express that appreciation.

These are just a few Instagram* shots that I've taken in the past month while walking to/from work.  I've been so thankful to be in better health recently.  To be able to walk around outside again.  To be able to walk to work, if I chose to.  To even have a job (or two), in the first place.  To be able to see and experience beautiful things while walking to work.  To capture some of those things with a camera.  To have such a nice camera, in the first place.  To feel like I can express something by taking photos.  To find pleasure in it.   I could keep going on this thankfulness train....

*my Instagram account: staceynicolemcdonald

wanting to concentrate on other things.

Until recently, I had never experienced any serious complications to my health.  I've always been a fairly healthy person and have been especially healthy these past two years.  The worst issues that I had experienced were some nasty allergies and a bit of acne in high school.  Annoying, yes.  But nothing even close to debilitating.

What I never fully understood before, was that you don't expect difficult health problems like this to happen.  You don't conjure up things like this in your mind.  They just happen.  And then you deal with it.

After living through this and feeling like I've gone to hell and back (in my mind, I'm not exaggerating the pain), I'm kind of tired of it.  It's been so intense....it's taken over my life.....it's not even over yet, but....

I really want to get back to normal.

I really want to concentrate on other things.  Like autumn.  Like family.  Like friends.  Like coffee.  Tea.  Furry animals.  Cleaning our house.  Going out to hear live music.  Taking photos with a real camera again (and not just iPhone pictures).  Experiencing life like a normal adult in their mid-twenties.

For now, here are some shots from around West Philly.  I'm so thankful that I'm getting to enjoy this fall season.  The discomfort will not stop me.  I honestly believed that I was going to miss out on it completely this year.

looking forward to......

 

Some things that I'm looking forward to doing once my skin clears up......

• My first cup of coffee (preferably a macchiato) after months of withdrawal
• Taking a long, brisk walk around West Philly with Christopher
• Rearranging/cleaning our bedroom!
• Sinking my teeth into a thick, juicy burger (and perhaps some pommes frites)
• Buying a cute outfit from Anthropologie (or anywhere, really)
• Going out to a nice dinner
• A trip to the Jersey Shore
• Going to hear a chamber concert/orchestra concert/Ars Nova concert
• Going to the Met (to hear Danielle perform?!)
• Going to Kennywood (okay, this will have wait until next summer anyway)
• Eating popcorn!
• Practicing piano again!
• Getting a new pair of glasses (or just new lenses)
• Rubbing my face in my kitties fur!!!!!

learning to be thankful.

Things haven't been easy this summer.


"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty..." 


But God is good.


"...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."


Even in the tough times.



-Philippians 4:12